Forgiveness and Grief

What forgiveness is and isn't

Forgiveness and to forgive is a heavy thought. Many times, in our lives, we will be wronged by others who have hurt us physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. But what does forgiving someone mean and what can that do for us?

Forgiving others

When I was about to turn nine, my birth mom passed away. My aunt and uncle took me in for three months but then realized they weren't ready for a nine-year-old girl who had suffered a trauma, so they turned over my adoption to a family friend. Fast forward many years as that same aunt and uncle slowly disappeared from my life. They no longer visited, they didn't return phone calls, they wouldn't get together with me as I had questions surrounding the time my mom died. I became very angry and hurt that they could just disappear like that. I never did anything to them. Why were they doing this to me?

This anger popped up whenever I would think about them or their names would be brought up.

It took my energy, it ruined my mood, it was not good for me.

But then I got the call that my uncle was in the hospital and not expected to make it.

I rushed to the hospital. None of the previous feelings mattered. In that moment I chose to forgive him, tell him I loved him, nothing else mattered. And in that moment, I felt a weight lifted off me.

It wasn't like I was going to forget the past 30 years with him, but I chose to understand that holding onto that anger was hurting me.

I gave his daughter the opportunity to talk to him on the phone - and I realized she was not going to let go of any anger or hurt she felt. She chose that moment to blame him. Now she holds that memory as the last words she said to him. And I knew I couldn't live my life like that.

Forgiving Myself

Right after my mom died - well two months later - I got some very hurtful messages from someone discussing how I wasn't there for them in their time of need, how I was cancelling on them, and basically, I wasn't a good friend. Instead of them seeing all of that as warning signs that something was wrong with me - they saw it as actions taken against them.

I chose that moment to remove myself from the conversation. I was hurt, angry, and mystified that someone could come at me like that. And I held that anger. I held that pain for many more months.

And then - like a lightbulb going off in my head - I realized - I couldn't move on if I held all this in.

I started working through the thoughts that her pain, suffering, and attacks on me where not something I could control. They were her feelings. They were her thoughts. They were her truth. But that didn't mean they were mine. During that time I learned I was suffering from depression and anxiety. My symptoms of pulling away and disengaging where mine. I chose to get help and then chose to forgive her. Does that mean we are friends again? No, I am not at that point. I can have conversations with her - in fact I did. We ran into each other at an event I attended with my husband and friends. We talked about the event and other little things - but it was amazing. I didn't feel anger or pain. I felt like I was talking with an old acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. And I don't need it to be more.

Invitation to reflect

Forgiveness does not mean we forget

It does not mean we go back to being exactly like we were before the incident.

It means we let go of the anger and pain we feel inside that only hurts us.

I don't need to pretend that any of these things didn't hurt me, I don't need to act like they never happened. I don't need to block them from my memory.

But I can choose to not have them affect my future actions.

I can choose to not let them fill my thoughts

I can choose to not let them drag me down.

Another thing that losing my adoptive mom and uncle has taught me was about forgiving myself. I did not need to hold on to the anger or pain of not having a better relationship with these individuals. I did not need to dwell in the memories of times that could have gone better. Instead, it was about accepting life has brought me to where I am for a reason.

I forgave myself for the anger I felt outward

I forgave myself for thinking there was something wrong with me when I was in my moments of depression and anxiety

I forgave myself for thinking I wasn't good enough for anyone else

I forgave myself for listening to what others thought of me and taking it as truth.

I forgave myself for thinking I had caused people to disappear from my life when I was nine years old.

The stages of grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I think it needs two more. It needs forgiving others and forgiving oneself.

As we sit here, I encourage you to close your eyes, or you have a moment to yourself, I encourage you to think about, or even write down, those that have hurt you, those that have caused you pain. Think of those moments as rocks you have been collecting in your bag.

Now look at that list again and think about forgiveness.

Think about how you will no longer allow that anger, that pain to control how you think, act, or feel. How you are choosing you over what they have given you. Now as you think about forgiveness, think about each of those stones you can remove from your bag and how much lighter you will feel as you continue your journey forward.

Remember, I am not saying to forget what they have done to you but try not to let it define how you act, how you feel, how you treat others, or deal with future situations. You can choose forgiveness. You can choose to heal. You can choose to take the next step.